We are so worried about you. I know that worry is a waste of time, but there seems to be little else for us to do. We cannot help you when you don't want to be helped. We can pray, and we are doing that. We can try to form a plan to help, and we are doing that. And we worry.
You are so beautiful. You have always been the one who was open and transparent and steady, always there for the rest of us. You are the one who in so many ways has changed the least - your laugh is the same, your outlook on so many parts of life is the same. You are so smart, so talented, so able. You understand me. You understand all of us. You understand so many things in this world that baffle so many others. I wish you could understand yourself and what is happening to you.
They call this thing a disease. I have no reason to dispute that - it is way outside my expertise. But to me, it looks like you are fighting demons: demons who are coming at your weak point, demons who know your Achilles heel. You don't know how to fight these demons, or you have given up fighting them, or they have convinced you that you don't want to fight them.
I don't understand your fight, because your demons are not my demons. I have mine, of course; we all do. But your demons are not the kind that tempt me, so I don't understand your fight. But I understand that you are fighting, that you were fighting, that you need to fight.
Oh friend, hear me across the miles. I want you to know that I am desperately hurting for you, as if knowing that would somehow give you the strength to fight harder. Know that there are so many of us who do not want you to give up, who understand that one thing that you don't - you. We know how much the world needs you and what a void there would be without you.
I am told that tonight is a crucial night for you, and I am hundreds of miles away. And so I pray, and I talk to others of our friends who are far away, and I type this letter that you may never see. You won't talk to any of us now, won't return calls, won't even send a text message or an email.
Those of you who do see this letter, please pray for my friend. And please don't stop fighting your own demons, whatever they are.
My friend, I look forward to seeing you again, for you are so important to my world. Don't forget who you are, and whose you are. Don't forget all the people who love you, and all the people whom you love - children, parents, sister, brothers, friends. Fight on.
We have a mutual friend who has fought the same demons you are fighting now. He wrote these words: "There's a light at the end of the darkness, and it shines for all the world to see. It will shine in your life, if you will let it. I was blind when it finally shined on me. There is hope in that light for the hopeless and a soothing balm for pain and misery. It's as near as your faith though sometimes seems fleeting. I was blind when it finally shined on me. I was looking up through the bottom when it finally shined on me."
Look up. Let it shine. Fight on.
I love you.